When you have experienced disappointment as much as I have, you realize it is actually easier to handle bad news when it is expected. That’s because when you get your hopes up you also give yourself the opportunity to be let down. It could be a seen as a negative outlook on life, I however consider it to be a realistic outlook on life.
I bring this up because I have recently opened my heart once again in my dating career. My past experiences dating have all ended…well rather poorly, thus resulting in my last two years being single. I had my options, I just wouldn’t touch them with a ten-foot pole. Why? Because I was scared.
Heartbreak is not something anybody wants to deal with, and when you’re in the dating game it comes around more often than not. It sucks to feel betrayed or fooled, and it hurts to be disrespected or mistreated. Sometimes it felt easier to hide away from the vulnerability than to ever face heartbreak again.
Yet here I am, susceptible and vulnerable to it as I dive into a new relationship. It feels right though, and everything has been going well so far this past week…then again my previous relationship lasted nine months before going south.
The fact of the matter is, I do not want to get my heart crushed to pieces again, and I certainly do not want to cry over ANOTHER guy in my life. So my advice to myself is to hope for the best, but expect the worst.
I am NOT suggesting to act crazy with constant paranoia and fits of jealousy. I do not want to pick a fight every chance I get or try to seek out every little problem. I am simply keeping my eyes open, and allowing myself to be PREPARED for the worst case scenario. That way if and when something does start going wrong I will not be totally blind sided by it.
Then again, not acting crazy is easier said than done these days. How can you expect someone to not be nervous about their significant other when half of our lives are spent online, and asking to snoop through each others phones seems to me like a lack of trust, and what is a relationship without real, honest trust? So obviously when he says he wants to hangout with his friends who are also girls, I am going to be worried that they might hit on him or put him in a tricky situation. However, I HOPE that he is decent enough to get out of those situations without having to regretfully deliver bad news to me the next day. BUT I will fully EXPECT that each time, that way I feel better when it doesn’t happen and also better still when it does because then I can be like, “hmm, I saw this coming,” with my lips all pursed and my arms crossed and shit.
So this is where I am at in life. Opening up to a new person and being absolutely terrified that I will be broken again. We’ve got to stay positive still though, don’t we? I cannot allow my relationship to be ruined because of my own insecurities making me miserable.
Any words of advice from out there? How can I make this relationship work and also not become a fool being tricked into love by yet another indecent human being? When will enough time pass that I won’t feel insecure around him? Will that ever happen or will I always be worried that I am not going to be good enough for him?
I guess only time will tell.