A Taste of Heartbreak

I understand the irony of this post given my last one. Truth is, I made a mistake in opening myself up and becoming vulnerable to someone after so long. I realize that now and it hardly took a week .

How do you even describe heartbreak? A constant wave of nausea that you cannot fight. The impending doom of being single forever and never connecting with another human so well again.

They are right when they say that you can’t eat. Each bite seems too dry. Each chew feels too long. Each swallow is too heavy.

They are wrong when they say that you can’t sleep. Sleep becomes the only comfort in the day, because in your sleep you can pretend things are how they once were; peaceful. The hard part is waking to the harsh reality that things are no longer the same.

The conversations are not the same. The smiles are not the same nor is the laughter that comes from you. The lack of motivation slowly becomes overwhelming, and the next thing you know you are cluttered in a mess of days running into one another.

The only way to get through it is by distractions. Friends, community events, work, hobbies.

Yet when your friends and family are in relationships, seeing it is like sugar in the wound; it is sweet to see their happiness, but it stings.

When you live in a small community it becomes difficult to go out. There is the constant fear of running into your heartbreaker in public. What do you do? What do you say? How appropriate is it to hide and avoid eye contact?

Work helps a lot, work may be the only short term cure. A constant distraction five to eight hours out of the dragging day.

As for hobbies, well who can focus on that when there is so much to do around the house? And how can you get anything done when anytime the slightest thing goes wrong you shatter into a thousand pieces?

Unfortunately time is the only medicine for heartbreak. I have been here before and I know that one day I will wake up and I will feel better, almost brand new. The past will finally be in the past and my mind will be clear once more.

All I can do is make it through each passing day until that one comes.

Future Making & Decision Planning

Now that I am in my twenties, every morning I wake up to face the crippling fear that is answering the question: What am I going to do with my life? More so, what is remaking of my life.

Most of my peers went to college, or got married and are starting families now, so they seem to be rather on track with life. I, on the other hand, am trapped in limbo. I did not go to college or any trade school and I cannot open up enough to have a boyfriend let alone start a family. I have zero motivation to do schooling now, and really I just want to roll over one morning and find out my writing took off and that I am a millionaire who only has to type letters on a keyboard for the rest of my days.

Unfortunately the likelihood of becoming a famous author is greater after I die than while I am alive. So what am I supposed to do with myself then? Although I am good at doing most things I am taught, and I am a fast learner, my only real passion is writing.

“Well there are lots of options for that!” those ambitious folks will say to me. They tell me I could get into news or freelance writing. People always need reviews, I can write reviews all day if I wanted. But that is not what I want, to write boring words and adjectives that do not express me, my emotion, or anything other judgement on someone else’s creativity.

I want to write fictional stories. I want to allow readers to escape from the real world and enter whichever one I have conjured up. I want to inspire others to be better with my words, and also to enjoy life through my fictional tales of redemption, triumph, and teamwork. That is what I want, but statistically speaking the odds are not in my favor.

This means that I, at the fresh age of twenty-one, must start decision planning and future making…I mean future planning and decision making. The point is I need to start deciding on what the f*** I am to do with the next thirty or forty years of my life and the only thing I can even decide on is the military.

The military has benefits, I do not need to have any experience, and if I enjoy it I can retire in twenty years. That means if I were to join now I could retire before I turned forty-two. It also will teach me discipline which we all know that these past three generations could use a bit more of that. Myself included obviously. All I have to do is pee clean and pass a physical and I could be on the path to the rest of my life.

Still, I worry about whether this is the right choice. I would be away from my family, my friends, and would not be able to have a relationship of my own or start a family of my own for another few years. Then again, my family is annoying, my friends are bad influences (not all of them, but many are), and I am currently friendzoning/ignoring multiple guys right now anyways, so maybe this is the best time to say eff it, and join. Perhaps now, while I am bitter towards life and all its happenings is the perfect time to just up and leave everything I know behind and start new.

Maybe then I would be able to figure out who I really am without any outer influences, and who I truly want to be. Or am I just trying to run away from my problems here in this small town…

What do you think? Is it wrong to leave everything behind in hopes of finding something better? Or should I just say eff it and settle down, get married, have a couple of kids, and let them live on to be my legacy?