A Taste of Heartbreak

I understand the irony of this post given my last one. Truth is, I made a mistake in opening myself up and becoming vulnerable to someone after so long. I realize that now and it hardly took a week .

How do you even describe heartbreak? A constant wave of nausea that you cannot fight. The impending doom of being single forever and never connecting with another human so well again.

They are right when they say that you can’t eat. Each bite seems too dry. Each chew feels too long. Each swallow is too heavy.

They are wrong when they say that you can’t sleep. Sleep becomes the only comfort in the day, because in your sleep you can pretend things are how they once were; peaceful. The hard part is waking to the harsh reality that things are no longer the same.

The conversations are not the same. The smiles are not the same nor is the laughter that comes from you. The lack of motivation slowly becomes overwhelming, and the next thing you know you are cluttered in a mess of days running into one another.

The only way to get through it is by distractions. Friends, community events, work, hobbies.

Yet when your friends and family are in relationships, seeing it is like sugar in the wound; it is sweet to see their happiness, but it stings.

When you live in a small community it becomes difficult to go out. There is the constant fear of running into your heartbreaker in public. What do you do? What do you say? How appropriate is it to hide and avoid eye contact?

Work helps a lot, work may be the only short term cure. A constant distraction five to eight hours out of the dragging day.

As for hobbies, well who can focus on that when there is so much to do around the house? And how can you get anything done when anytime the slightest thing goes wrong you shatter into a thousand pieces?

Unfortunately time is the only medicine for heartbreak. I have been here before and I know that one day I will wake up and I will feel better, almost brand new. The past will finally be in the past and my mind will be clear once more.

All I can do is make it through each passing day until that one comes.

Hope for the Best; Expect the Worst

When you have experienced disappointment as much as I have, you realize it is actually easier to handle bad news when it is expected. That’s because when you get your hopes up you also give yourself the opportunity to be let down. It could be a seen as a negative outlook on life, I however consider it to be a realistic outlook on life.

I bring this up because I have recently opened my heart once again in my dating career. My past experiences dating have all ended…well rather poorly, thus resulting in my last two years being single. I had my options, I just wouldn’t touch them with a ten-foot pole. Why? Because I was scared.

Heartbreak is not something anybody wants to deal with, and when you’re in the dating game it comes around more often than not. It sucks to feel betrayed or fooled, and it hurts to be disrespected or mistreated. Sometimes it felt easier to hide away from the vulnerability than to ever face heartbreak again.

Yet here I am, susceptible and vulnerable to it as I dive into a new relationship. It feels right though, and everything has been going well so far this past week…then again my previous relationship lasted nine months before going south.

The fact of the matter is, I do not want to get my heart crushed to pieces again, and I certainly do not want to cry over ANOTHER guy in my life. So my advice to myself is to hope for the best, but expect the worst.

I am NOT suggesting to act crazy with constant paranoia and fits of jealousy. I do not want to pick a fight every chance I get or try to seek out every little problem. I am simply keeping my eyes open, and allowing myself to be PREPARED for the worst case scenario. That way if and when something does start going wrong I will not be totally blind sided by it.

Then again, not acting crazy is easier said than done these days. How can you expect someone to not be nervous about their significant other when half of our lives are spent online, and asking to snoop through each others phones seems to me like a lack of trust, and what is a relationship without real, honest trust? So obviously when he says he wants to hangout with his friends who are also girls, I am going to be worried that they might hit on him or put him in a tricky situation. However, I HOPE that he is decent enough to get out of those situations without having to regretfully deliver bad news to me the next day. BUT I will fully EXPECT that each time, that way I feel better when it doesn’t happen and also better still when it does because then I can be like, “hmm, I saw this coming,” with my lips all pursed and my arms crossed and shit.

So this is where I am at in life. Opening up to a new person and being absolutely terrified that I will be broken again. We’ve got to stay positive still though, don’t we? I cannot allow my relationship to be ruined because of my own insecurities making me miserable.

Any words of advice from out there? How can I make this relationship work and also not become a fool being tricked into love by yet another indecent human being? When will enough time pass that I won’t feel insecure around him? Will that ever happen or will I always be worried that I am not going to be good enough for him?

I guess only time will tell.

Your Introvert Girl Next Door

What does it mean to be the girl next door? Who is she really? Is she the girl your bring home to meet your parents and start a family with? Or is she the woman you cheat on your wife with?

Sometimes I like to think that I could be that girl next door. Not saying that I want to either a) get married right now or b) break up a marriage ever. Still, with my artificially blonde hair, fake nails, and practically flawless smile, my appearance is apparently innocent. That is until my side profile projects my double nose piercing, and I roll up my sleeve to show an array of dark ink permanently stained into my skin. Put me in ripped jeans paired with a white t-shirt and now I’ve got that bad girl appearance.

The common theme I recognize amongst these kind of girls, of women, people like myslelf is that heartbreak circulates around us. Why is this though? Why are the effortlessly awesome people, such as us, so often being shattered and brought down by emotions?

Well, to put it simply is that we are just too good for relationships. I use the word “we” because I know that there are many females like me out there. Those headstrong, independent women who have tons of opportunity in the dating world, yet consistently remain single through the years. Let me tell you ladies that we are not the problem here, but in that same sense we are 100% the problem.

How is this so? Because we are seemingly perfect, and perfect girls need a perfect guy (or girl or however you want to see it, I get it we’re in the twenty-first century now, there is no exclusion).

Yes there are tons of great guys out there, but perfect won’t settle for great no matter how hard we try to. Which brings me to our dilemma as being the girls next door: we have made ourselves too good. Through a lifetime of overanalyzing and critiquing ourselves, we introverts have now transformed into the perfect combination of humbly attractive.

Guys like how we never speak too loudly or too softly, rather our voices are like cream in their black coffee. They like that we don’t need to go out to have a good time, but when they takes us for a night in the town we will show up looking like America’s Next Top Model. They like that we can play pretty and nice, yet when it comes to fun we know how to get down and dirty. I’m not talking sex I mean we like to go outside and ride on atv’s and play in the water and get too drunk and puke in front of them sometimes.

We are your girls next door and we are better yet known as the heartbreakers. You see, the problem with me personally does not reside in my looks nor my personality. I am a nice girl, a freaking awesome one at that. The issue is I just don’t know what I want.

So I’m trying to figure that out, which unfortunately means a lot of trial and error ending in heartbreak on my side, their side, and sometimes both sides.

Why do I keep trying though? I’m in my twenties and I haven’t even hit a year mark with the same person. Meanwhile all my friends are in serious relationships and are beginning to get married and have children. So are my family members and my exes. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only single person in the world, until someone walks up and starts hitting on me. Then I remember again why I am still single in this small town full of nobody quite interesting enough.

Yet here I am running around posing as some girl next door. She’s smiley, flirty, short, shy, and cute, but is she happy? Of course not, BUT she’s making it all work for the better every day. That’s close enough to being “happy” isn’t it?

Well we may not always be happy, but we will always have our goals. So why should we girls next door let these people take away from our direction? We need to follow our goals and say, “Screw relationships! I am going to be successful on my own first! I will work towards a marriage only after that!”

Yet…I still feel the want of someone’s touch and not just that of a stranger. I want memories together in our youth, and if I have to wait until I’m successful…well how long might that take?

This is how I end up heartbreaking others. I falsely devote myself to them for a period of time, never quite leading them down the direction of a serious relationship, and then I move states.

Alright I have only done that once before, but with how things are looking in my love life and also in my professional life I would not be surprised if it happens again.

So what do I want? Do I want a relationship or a successful career? And who’s to say that I cannot have both?

Finally I realize who has been saying that though, it has been me preaching myself to my own choir all this time. I am the one who seems to believe that the two cannot come together hand in hand.

What do you guys think? Can you become successful while also remaining devoted to a relationship? Or is it just not plausible?